| scared of the unknown... |
[15 Sep 2009|01:23am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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This is all I've ever known. The place where I have some of my best memories of being safe and loved. Is it normal that it's scary to think about leaving that safety? I've been taking care of my mom for a long time now, since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I had to leave my job in order to be with her. I don't get government support to do this so I basically have no source of income. I don't have much saved up for my future, because, truth be told - I didn't really think I had one.
Now my boyfriend is planning on moving here after his next job (after this one that he's currently on) - which will probably take a while... but I don't know how long for sure.
Change terrifies me, like many other people. Perhaps one of the biggest reasons for the fear is because I don't have much saved up financially. And because of that, I tend to feel extremely incompetent.
UGH, why can't I just grow up already and act my freaking age.... but then maybe I am just incompetent...
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| sigh |
[26 Jul 2009|02:55am] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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Wow - couldn't sleep.... kind of anxious about Tony's flying in next month. ><
My sister and her husband bought Tony's ticket - but I gave the wrong email address for verification .... so I don't know if Tony got the verification. All he should really have to bring is his Photo ID etc - if he doesn't have the printout, he should still get to board the plane no problem.... I think >< I'm so confused!
So I verified the flight times.... Everything will go fine. The hotel is nice and clean and really cozy. Yeah we're not going to have 11 days to ourselves but it will be really nice to see him!
Now I just have to will my shoulder to get better before Aug 24 >< I believe it's bursitis.
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| zomg so bored |
[25 Jul 2009|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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Who Knew - P!nk |
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>< I can't decide between green beans or popcorn as a snack.... - how odd is that?
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| Nasty nightmares |
[21 Jul 2009|11:42am] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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Been having really nasty nightmares lately - and I'm not even watching horror movies. Why do I resent my family so much..... I think that has something to do with the nightmares - they usually involve family in one way or the other.
I'm the one that cleans up after my mom has an accident.... I'm the one that sees the decline ALL the time. They act all doting on her when people are watching... But at the party - everyone talked around my mom (it was her birthday party) and the idea of it made me sick.
Then at family pictures the next day, you would have thought my mom was near dead - because people were coddling her.
UGH!!!!!!
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| family's gone FINALLY |
[21 Jul 2009|01:12am] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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Mom's 60th birthday party went well.. we saw my sister Andrea and her three boys and the man she married.
her three little boys.... HOLY COW >< they are poster children for why abstinence is best. I love kids, don't get me wrong... but when kids are so naughty, and the parents don't maintain control or even a handle on them.... UGH.
They left this morning....
Things will be back to normal - ie: no one pretending that they're so utterly perfect and taking care of my mom .... I broke last night in the car ride home from the karaoke bar. The one who provoked.... was my sister's husband - hence why I say he's the man she married.
Cocky SOB... criticized me when they don't do anything at all.
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| SHE'S ALIVE! |
[30 Apr 2009|05:24pm] |
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mood |
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exhausted |
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OMG huh..... um.... yeah something like that lol
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| In loving Memory |
[09 Dec 2007|09:14pm] |
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My cat, Lady, died. She was with us for 21 years. We had just celebrated her 21st anniversary with us on Sept 22.
She had been missing on Saturday morning. She normally wakes me us by pushing my nose with her own, and she didn't do it yesterday morning. I searched all over the house. In every nook and cranny of this house and I could not find her at all. I searched everywhere that I could think of outside, I had searched for over 7 hours before just giving up for the evening. I prayed so hard that night that Lady would wake me up this morning. She didn't though. So I went outside to search one more time. I found her body close to the house about 6 feet from my window. She had frozen to death. And she didn't normally go outside.
I brought her body to the White Bear Animal Hospital, where I surrendered her body for cremation. I chose a pewter heart-shaped urn that had two paw prints on the outside. They are also going to give me her paw print in clay that I just need to bake at home. And they're also going to make sure that they get a lock of fur before sending her for cremation. It was so hard to say good bye to her. Even though her body was cold and stiff, her fur was so soft still. Her ear was pliable. Soft, so that when it was rubbed, it shaped to my finger.
I still miss Lady so much. That won't go away for a long time. I miss her welcoming meow when I get home. I miss the way my nose shaped her chest perfectly. Like we were formed for one another. I miss her warmth and devotion. I miss the way she draped on me when I held her.
I miss her peeing on my bed, when I would have to wash my sheets and the waterproof mattress. My eyes sting so much when I think of her lying on the snow. I miss her drooling and her gas. I miss her peeing on the newspaper that I had to put under the litter box.
Then I went to the Humane Society where we had gotten her, just to look at cats. I know that if I didn't get a cat within a week, I would not be able to do it at all. I looked at female cats first but they didn't seem to like me much. ;-;
I decided just to look around for a bit to see the other cats that they had, and my eye fell on a 1.5 year domestic shorthair that they had named Austin. He looked exactly like Lady. Down to the triangle on her face. I can't help buy just feel so guilty over getting the new cat. I will name him either Tramp, Little Boy or Snuggles.
I feel so guilty for getting another cat so soon. Like I was robbing Lady of her proper memorial. But I won't ever stop loving Lady, and she has such a special place in my heart. The new cat will be intensely loved too, and he will have another special place in my heart.
On one side of his body, there is a heart-shaped gray spot. I believe that Lady led me to him. I believe that Lady is in Heaven playing with her brother and her other animal friends. I believe that Lady is curling up by my dad until the day I can come to be with her.
That's the best memorial.
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[01 Aug 2007|10:03pm] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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[09 Jul 2007|12:00am] |
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mood |
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stunned |
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music |
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I Want Tomorrow - Enya |
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Something scary happened the other day... I started actually being able to imagine getting married and having kids!!!
I mean, it won't happen for a long time, I'm sure... but it seems more possible. I do actually like kids. Though sometimes they just get too whiny for me XD
And no, I'm not thinking it's more possible with that man... I'm just saying that having a chance meeting like that makes me able to believe that it could happen that I am happy.
My ultimate dream is to be married and have a child. (Sounds corny, I know)
For so long... I have despised myself and kept telling myself that there's no chance for me, since I'm 28 now. (I know 28 is still considered young, but I feel so old) I'm horribly picky with people - men particularly. And I don't open up to a lot of people, so it just came as a huge shock that I could feel.... liberated almost.
By the way, this has got to be one of my all time favorite Enya songs - so mournful and longing all at once.
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| Long due update |
[08 Jul 2007|11:41pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
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music |
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I Want Tomorrow - Enya |
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Cleaning in my room.... In October, we had a contest at work about sales etc. Well, we could earn a $60 gift card for each week we had a "sales bingo"
I earned $180 (but only because I was sick the last two days of the last week)
I can only find $60... which means that I have $120 in gift certificates floating in my room somewhere.
I have to bring several things to storage sometime this week. I have to bring pretty much all of my electronics that I'm not using... ie: my old computer, my PS2, Broken VCR/DVD players... I have to talk to my brother about how to dispose of the DVD/VCR things. I also need to DESPERATELY go through my clothes and toss things that I have slim chance of ever getting into again.
I have started walking more, because I'm more motivated. XD
I met a guy <3 Maybe I'll make a post about how that happened XD
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| caw caw |
[05 Jul 2007|09:48am] |
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mood |
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anxious |
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| hmm |
[12 Feb 2007|11:27pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
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I've been battling the flu/cold as of late. I will be so happy when I have my week off from work in April!
So many things that I want to do - but I know it's not practical... -_-
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| kare kano.... |
[08 Feb 2007|08:48pm] |
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mood |
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 sad |
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okay, I finally broke down and finished reading Kare Kano (which has been my favorite manga for a very very long time now)
DAGNABBIT
I don't want it to be over. I'm so horribly depressed. I want more story! This is no way to end a manga!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Guess I'll just have to read it again.
Prior to Kare Kano, MARS had been my favorite manga - it's still one of my favorites... but lately Kare Kano has risen to top Mars.
I still read Mars, but...... OMG
Tsuda-sensei is so mean!!!!! ~looks around like a rabid dog~
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| -.- |
[11 Jan 2007|10:15pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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apathetic