Utopian Dream Manga

scared of the unknown...

Tue, 15 Sep 2009 06:23:42 GMT

This is all I've ever known. The place where I have some of my best memories of being safe and loved. Is it normal that it's scary to think about leaving that safety? I've been taking care of my mom for a long time now, since she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I had to leave my job in order to be with her. I don't get government support to do this so I basically have no source of income. I don't have much saved up for my future, because, truth be told - I didn't really think I had one.

Now my boyfriend is planning on moving here after his next job (after this one that he's currently on) - which will probably take a while... but I don't know how long for sure.

Change terrifies me, like many other people. Perhaps one of the biggest reasons for the fear is because I don't have much saved up financially. And because of that, I tend to feel extremely incompetent.

UGH, why can't I just grow up already and act my freaking age.... but then maybe I am just incompetent...

sigh

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 07:55:21 GMT

Wow - couldn't sleep.... kind of anxious about Tony's flying in next month. ><

My sister and her husband bought Tony's ticket - but I gave the wrong email address for verification .... so I don't know if Tony got the verification. All he should really have to bring is his Photo ID etc - if he doesn't have the printout, he should still get to board the plane no problem.... I think >< I'm so confused!

So I verified the flight times.... Everything will go fine. The hotel is nice and clean and really cozy. Yeah we're not going to have 11 days to ourselves but it will be really nice to see him!

Now I just have to will my shoulder to get better before Aug 24 >< I believe it's bursitis.

zomg so bored

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 02:46:18 GMT

>< I can't decide between green beans or popcorn as a snack.... - how odd is that?

Nasty nightmares

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 16:42:27 GMT

Been having really nasty nightmares lately - and I'm not even watching horror movies. Why do I resent my family so much..... I think that has something to do with the nightmares - they usually involve family in one way or the other.

I'm the one that cleans up after my mom has an accident.... I'm the one that sees the decline ALL the time. They act all doting on her when people are watching... But at the party - everyone talked around my mom (it was her birthday party) and the idea of it made me sick.

Then at family pictures the next day, you would have thought my mom was near dead - because people were coddling her.

UGH!!!!!!

family's gone FINALLY

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 06:12:19 GMT

Mom's 60th birthday party went well.. we saw my sister Andrea and her three boys and the man she married.

her three little boys.... HOLY COW >< they are poster children for why abstinence is best. I love kids, don't get me wrong... but when kids are so naughty, and the parents don't maintain control or even a handle on them.... UGH.

They left this morning....

Things will be back to normal - ie: no one pretending that they're so utterly perfect and taking care of my mom .... I broke last night in the car ride home from the karaoke bar. The one who provoked.... was my sister's husband - hence why I say he's the man she married.

Cocky SOB... criticized me when they don't do anything at all.

WoW

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 17:01:27 GMT

I am Hunter - Play Free Online Games

SHE'S ALIVE!

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 22:25:11 GMT

OMG huh..... um.... yeah something like that lol

In loving Memory

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 03:33:14 GMT

My cat, Lady, died. She was with us for 21 years. We had just celebrated her 21st anniversary with us on Sept 22.

She had been missing on Saturday morning. She normally wakes me us by pushing my nose with her own, and she didn't do it yesterday morning. I searched all over the house. In every nook and cranny of this house and I could not find her at all. I searched everywhere that I could think of outside, I had searched for over 7 hours before just giving up for the evening. I prayed so hard that night that Lady would wake me up this morning. She didn't though. So I went outside to search one more time. I found her body close to the house about 6 feet from my window. She had frozen to death. And she didn't normally go outside.

I brought her body to the White Bear Animal Hospital, where I surrendered her body for cremation. I chose a pewter heart-shaped urn that had two paw prints on the outside. They are also going to give me her paw print in clay that I just need to bake at home. And they're also going to make sure that they get a lock of fur before sending her for cremation. It was so hard to say good bye to her. Even though her body was cold and stiff, her fur was so soft still. Her ear was pliable. Soft, so that when it was rubbed, it shaped to my finger.

I still miss Lady so much. That won't go away for a long time. I miss her welcoming meow when I get home. I miss the way my nose shaped her chest perfectly. Like we were formed for one another. I miss her warmth and devotion. I miss the way she draped on me when I held her.

I miss her peeing on my bed, when I would have to wash my sheets and the waterproof mattress. My eyes sting so much when I think of her lying on the snow. I miss her drooling and her gas. I miss her peeing on the newspaper that I had to put under the litter box.

Then I went to the Humane Society where we had gotten her, just to look at cats. I know that if I didn't get a cat within a week, I would not be able to do it at all. I looked at female cats first but they didn't seem to like me much. ;-;

I decided just to look around for a bit to see the other cats that they had, and my eye fell on a 1.5 year domestic shorthair that they had named Austin. He looked exactly like Lady. Down to the triangle on her face. I can't help buy just feel so guilty over getting the new cat. I will name him either Tramp, Little Boy or Snuggles.

I feel so guilty for getting another cat so soon. Like I was robbing Lady of her proper memorial. But I won't ever stop loving Lady, and she has such a special place in my heart. The new cat will be intensely loved too, and he will have another special place in my heart.

On one side of his body, there is a heart-shaped gray spot. I believe that Lady led me to him. I believe that Lady is in Heaven playing with her brother and her other animal friends. I believe that Lady is curling up by my dad until the day I can come to be with her.

That's the best memorial.

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 03:04:51 GMT

major beehive outside my door

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 00:43:09 GMT

what sucks the most about this is... I'm allergic to bee stings.

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 04:57:57 GMT

Something scary happened the other day... I started actually being able to imagine getting married and having kids!!!

I mean, it won't happen for a long time, I'm sure... but it seems more possible. I do actually like kids. Though sometimes they just get too whiny for me XD

And no, I'm not thinking it's more possible with that man... I'm just saying that having a chance meeting like that makes me able to believe that it could happen that I am happy.

My ultimate dream is to be married and have a child. (Sounds corny, I know)

For so long... I have despised myself and kept telling myself that there's no chance for me, since I'm 28 now. (I know 28 is still considered young, but I feel so old) I'm horribly picky with people - men particularly. And I don't open up to a lot of people, so it just came as a huge shock that I could feel.... liberated almost.

By the way, this has got to be one of my all time favorite Enya songs - so mournful and longing all at once.

Long due update

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 04:39:12 GMT

Cleaning in my room.... In October, we had a contest at work about sales etc. Well, we could earn a $60 gift card for each week we had a "sales bingo"

I earned $180 (but only because I was sick the last two days of the last week)

I can only find $60... which means that I have $120 in gift certificates floating in my room somewhere.

I have to bring several things to storage sometime this week. I have to bring pretty much all of my electronics that I'm not using... ie: my old computer, my PS2, Broken VCR/DVD players... I have to talk to my brother about how to dispose of the DVD/VCR things. I also need to DESPERATELY go through my clothes and toss things that I have slim chance of ever getting into again.

I have started walking more, because I'm more motivated. XD

I met a guy <3 Maybe I'll make a post about how that happened XD

caw caw

Thu, 05 Jul 2007 14:45:51 GMT

auron

Mon, 02 Apr 2007 20:46:07 GMT

Which Final Fantasy Character Are You?

Final Fantasy 7 Walkthrough

hmm

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 05:23:50 GMT

I've been battling the flu/cold as of late. I will be so happy when I have my week off from work in April!

So many things that I want to do - but I know it's not practical... -_-

kare kano....

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 02:45:38 GMT

okay, I finally broke down and finished reading Kare Kano (which has been my favorite manga for a very very long time now)

DAGNABBIT

I don't want it to be over. I'm so horribly depressed. I want more story! This is no way to end a manga!!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Guess I'll just have to read it again.

Prior to Kare Kano, MARS had been my favorite manga - it's still one of my favorites... but lately Kare Kano has risen to top Mars.

I still read Mars, but...... OMG

Tsuda-sensei is so mean!!!!! ~looks around like a rabid dog~

-.-

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 04:13:05 GMT

...

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 00:20:51 GMT

Which Final Fantasy Character Are You?

random quizzies

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 22:59:08 GMT

The haxor handle of caisia is "Elite G0ddess".

I tashte like Alcohol.

Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?

I am a Halo.

I believe I am perfect. Others may not think so, but those others are wrong. What Sort of Hat Are You?

I am heroic couplets; most precise
And fond of order. Planned and structured. Nice.
I know, of course, just what I want; I know,
As well, what I will do to make it so.
This doesn't mean that I attempt to shun
Excitement, entertainment, pleasure, fun;
But they must keep their place, like all the rest;
They might be good, but ordered life is best.

What Poetry Form Are You?

If you were intending to buy a ps3 for US$599.99, you could instead buy:

three hundred and forty-five milliseconds of the US war on Iraq
one litre of human blood
a low-end camcorder
three thousand, five hundred and twenty-nine marshmallow peeps
one twenty-thousandth of a fighter plane (F16)
four days in a mediocre English hotel
three hundred and thirty-seven lottery tickets, probably worthless
seven hundred and ninety-nine packets of itching powder
thirty-nine kung-fu lessons
fifty-nine microlitres of scorpion venom

What are you thinking of buying?

I am a Gauntlet Adventurer.

I strive to improve my living conditions by hoarding gold, food, and sometimes keys and potions. I love adventure, fighting, and particularly winning - especially when there's a prize at stake. I occasionally get lost inside buildings and can't find the exit. I need food badly. What Video Game Character Are You?

2006 past

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 08:16:47 GMT

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Had a life altering surgery

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't recall the resolutions of yesteryear - but this year the ones that I want to make are to edit more for my scanlation group (Utopian Dream) and write more seriously.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I'm aware of XD

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not to me personally, but my brother-in-law's had a few rough years (his stepmom last year and his grandma this year - almost exactly a year apart and a day or two before Thanksgiving {his stepmom Tuesday before Thanksgiving 05 and his grandma the Wednesday before Thanksgiving 06})

5. What countries did you visit?
Didn't really have vacation to venture anywhere ><

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Health, calm, and to finally get over my fears of commitment (relationships of any kind)

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 18th - had a breast reduction

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Changing my attitude at work. oh and definitely quitting smoking Jan 21 2006!

9. What was your biggest failure?
I failed myself in almost every way possible.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
In the beginning of the year, I had massive neck issues where I was out of work 2 weeks because I could not move. I had to get physical therapy and countless doctor appointments. And halfway through, I had a breast reduction which put me out of commission for another 2 weeks and I'm still having slight pains from it. But I have to go in for a correction, once I'm healed enough.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
So many things here! A Sony PS2 (several games too! KH especially!) a digital camera, a Nintendo DS Lite..... Glade Scented Oil Candles (totally happy) and lots of yarns for crocheting boring scarves XD

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I don't understand this question... I guess maybe mine? Good behavior at work ><

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own inadequacies and nuances. I ruminate and I need to stop.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Games and movies

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
video games - KH and KH2 and FF

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Hmm.. This is a toughie because I don't usually listen to music that isn't in Japanese. I suppose maybe "Simple and Clean" or "Sanctuary" by Utada Hikaru (because of KH) or "The Gift" by Aselin Debison

17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder:
Happier, I suppose - I don't feel like my job is a rut anymore... but sadder because I'm getting older and I'm not happier with my post-surgery weight gain.

--ii. thinner or fatter?
post surgery weight gain hard to get rid of.

--iii. richer or poorer?
I feel richer because I've been saving a bit... but realistically, poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
living

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
sulking

20. How did you spend Christmas?
With my family. Mother's family on Christmas Eve, Immediate family on Christmas Day and will spend time with my father's family on Jan 14th

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
No

23. How many one-night stands?
Maybe a couple ..... I hated myself for a long time because of something that's been eating at me for a couple of years.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
"One Tree Hill", "Gilmore Girls" and "America's Next Top Model" - though I really enjoy "Wife Swap"

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
not hate - resent. That's one of my biggest failures. I tend to hold grudges

26. What was the best book you read?
Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The fact that I love my voice when I sing - even better now that I don't smoke.

28. What did you want and get?
A new computer.

29. What did you want and not get?
Self confidence

30. What was your favorite film(s) of this year?
I don't recall going to see any movies this year that I could consider my favorite. Now, movies that I've seen in the past.... favorite has to be "Sound of Music" or "Sleepless In Seattle".... but then, there are too many for me to list here! Oooh "Ice Age: Meltdown" was very good - "Friends With Money" I didn't care for so much.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 27 - and I didn't really do anything. ^^;;;; this was mostly by choice. I was having a hard time with the not smoking thing. I can't really recall though - perhaps I did go out. I've been told memory loss is the first sign of old age XD

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I agree with the answer that had been here before me... I could have done with a LOT less drama.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Forgettable

34. What kept you sane?
My cat, Lady, who has been with me for 20 years (2006) and movies.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Will Smith and Joaquin Phoenix - oh and LELAND CHAPMAN <3

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I stay away from politics - it only adds to the stress I currently have. I tend to get too easily worked up over small things - I don't need big things. but if an answer is needed, probably the execution of Sadam Hussein. I wonder what future troubles this hanging will cause. Americans didn't kill him but we condemned him. And whilst I agree that he was a horrible horrible murderer - I'm quite positive that this will only further fuel the hatred for Americans.

37. Who did you miss?
Myself

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I've met a lot of really cool people at work. Probably Cori (from work) we got along really well right away.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
To love is to lose and to live is to die. But it is when we are at our lowest that we are lifted up by God so that we can see the sunshine over the mountain of pain that we build for ourselves.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
----got a few of these----
"Now, Maria felt blessed just to listen
To that cascade of notes, sweet and strong.
As her offering was lifted to heaven,
By the very first nightingale song"

"The Gift" -Aselin Debison

"If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from our life
And we survive
This is what it means to be loved
And to know that the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held"

"Held" - Natalie Grant

"Take it easy, take it easy
Don't let the sound of your own wheels
Drive you crazy
Lighten up while you still can
Don't even try to understand
Just find a place to make your stand
And take it easy"

"Take It Easy" - Eagles

"And I find it kind of funny,
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very mad world."

"Mad World" - Gary Jules

A spoonful of sugar

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 07:33:02 GMT

So I ended up crashing today around 8pm - I woke up at 11:40 something... and I'm about to go back to sleep.

I got a notification of a parcel waiting for me at the post office today.... O.O I didn't order anything - but it's from Yokohama....O.O!!!!!!! The only person I know that lives/works around that area is Kei.... and he suddenly emailed me a few days ago, completely out of the blue (after no communication since May)

I'm so freaked out. I hate waiting. But wait I must until I am able to stop at the post office. I'm going do my best to stop after work tomorrow.

I'm also going to stop and get a bottle of wine. I'm hoping that maybe a glass of wine before bedtime will help me to sleep better. I've tried everything -sleeping aids, sleeping pills, prayer, meditation, reading, watching a sappy movie (Sleepless In Seattle ROCKS!)

Nothing works.

On a side note: Gaiaonline.com is very cute ^^ Thanks lacey5480 - for bringing me back to it after over a year

Also, got a new digital camera (before Christmas) I'll be posting pictures of my beloved kitty ^O^ She's 20 years old and still playful!

insomnia strikes again

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 11:39:50 GMT

As the subject says, I can't sleep.

For the past week I've had difficulties sleeping before 3 and then since Wednesday, I have problems sleeping before 7 am ;-;

So I figured that I'm going to stay up tonight - er - today (since today is a short day at work anyway) and then go to bed at 12 or so. I may end up taking a benadryl around 7 or so. Nothing good on TV anyways.

I'm quite excited! Beauty & The Geek begins on Wednesday.

I'm such a dork.

camera bluuuuuues

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 03:05:11 GMT

I'm buying a digital camera (because I don't want to pay $.25 per photo with my cell phone) and I'm looking at the specs. I'm getting frustrated because I'm having difficulty choosing between the different storage sizes. 256, 512, 1gig or 2gig. I'm getting a 6mp camera. I can get 2gig for $40 (so it's more cost effective) but I'm not sure that I feel that I will need to be able to store 750+ photos on my camera. 1 gig is 350+ photos. 512mb is 150+

and then the batteries - my eyes are swirling.

love this song

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 04:57:00 GMT

A poor orphan girl named Maria
Was walking to market one day
She stopped for to rest by the road side
Where a bird with a broken wing lay
A few moments passed till she saw it
For its feathers were covered with sand
And soon clean and wrapped it was traveling
In the warmth of Maria's small hand

She happily gave her last peso
On a cage made of rushes and twine
She fed it loose corn from the market
And watched it grow stronger with time

Now the gift-giving service was coming
And the church shone with tinsel and light
And all of the town folk brought presents
To lay by the manger that night

There were diamonds, incense and perfumes
And packages fit for a king
But for one ragged bird in a small cage
Maria had nothing to bring

She waited till just before midnight
So no one would see her go in
And crying she knelt by the manger
For her gift was unworthy of him

Then a voice spoke to her through the darkness
Maria what brings you to me
If the bird in the cage is your offering
Open the door let me see

So she trembled she did as he asked her
And out of the cage the bird flew
Soaring up into the rafters
On a wing that had healed good as new

Just then the midnight bells rang out
And the little bird started to sing
A song that no words could recapture
For its beauty was fit for a king

Now Maria felt blessed just to listen
To that cascade of notes sweet and long
As her offering was lifted to heaven
By the very first nightingale's song

-Aselin Debison

can't sleep

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 09:38:33 GMT

-.- gotta work in 4 hours..... can't sleep